第4章 SAMANTHA AT SARATOGA(2)

And then I sithed, and he sez, -- " You have broke up my pantaloons, my vest, and my neck-tie, you have ground me down onto plain broadcloth, but in the matter of whiskers I am firm! Yes!" sez he "on these whiskers I take my stand!"And agin I sithed heavy, and I sez in a dretful impressive way, as I looked on 'em, "Josiah Allen, remember you are a father and a grandfather!"And he sez firmly, "If I wuz a great-grandfather I would trim my whiskers in jest this way, that is if I wuz a goin' to set up to be fashionable and a goin' to Saratoga for my health."And I groaned kinder low to myself, and kep' hopin' that mebby they wouldn't grow very fast, or that some axident would happen to 'em, that they would get afire or sunthin'.But they didn't.And they grew from day to day luxurient in length, but thin.And his watchful care kep' 'em from axident, and I wuz too high princepled to set fire to 'em when he wuz asleep, though sometimes, on a moonlight night, I was tempted to, sorely tempted.

But I didn't, and they grew from day to day, till they wuz the curiusest lookin' patch o' whiskers that I ever see.And when we sot out for Saratoga, they wuz jest about as long as a shavin'

brush, and looked some like one.There wuz no look of a class-leader, and a perfesser about 'em, and I told him so.But he worshiped 'em, and gloried in the idee of goin' afar to show 'em off.

But the neighbors received the news that we wuz goin' to a waterin' place coldly, or with ill-concealed envy.

Uncle Jonas Bently told us he shouldn't think we would want to go round to waterin' troughs at our age.

And I told him it wuzn't a waterin' trough, and if it wuz, Ithought our age wuz jest as good a one as any, to go to it.

He had the impression that Saratoga wuz a immense waterin' trough where the country all drove themselves summers to be watered.He is deef as a Hemlock post, and I yelled up at him jest as loud as I dast for fear of breakin' open my own chest, that the water got into us, instid of our gettin' into the water, but I didn't make him understand, for I hearn afterwards of his sayin' that, as nigh as he could make out we all got into the waterin' trough and wuz watered.

The school teacher, a young man, with long, small lims, and some pimpley on the face, but well meanin', he sez to me: "Saratoga is a beautiful spah."And I sez warmly, "It aint no such thing, it is a village, for Ihave seen a peddler who went right through it, and watered his horses there, and he sez it is a waterin' place, and a village.""Yes," sez he, "it is a beautiful village, a modest retiren city, and at the same time it is the most noted spah on this continent."I wouldn't contend with him for it wuz on the stoop of the meetin'

house, and I believe in bein' reverent.But I knew it wuzn't no "spah," -- that had a dreadful flat sound to me.And any way Iknew I should face its realities soon and know all about it.Lots of wimen said that for anybody who lived right on the side of a canal, and had two good, cisterns on the place, and a well, they didn't see why I should feel in a sufferin' condition for any more water; and if I did, why didn't I ketch rain water?

Such wuz some of the deep arguments they brung up aginst my embarkin' on this enterprise, they talked about it sights and sights; -- why, it lasted the neighbors for a stiddy conversation, till along about the middle of the winter.Then the Minister's wife bought a new alpacky dress -- unbeknown to the church till it wuz made up -- and that kind o' drawed their minds off o' me for a spell.

Aunt Polly Pixley wuz the only one who received the intelligence gladly.And she thought she would go too.She had been kinder run down and most bed rid for years.And she had a idee the water might help her.And I encouraged Aunt Polly in the idee, for she wuz well off.Yes, Mr.and Miss Pixley wuz very well off though they lived in a little mite of a dark, low, lonesome house, with some tall Pollard willows in front of the door in a row, and jest acrost the road from a grave-yard.

Her husband had been close and wuzn't willin' to have any other luxury or means of recreation in the house only a bass viol, that had been his father's -- he used to play on that for hours and hours.I thought that wuz one reason why Polly wuz so nervous.Isaid to Josiah that it would have killed me outright to have that low grumblin' a goin' on from day to day, and to look at them tall lonesome willows and grave stuns.

But, howsumever, Polly's husband had died durin' the summer, and Polly parted with the bass viol the day after the funeral.She got out some now, and wuz quite wrought up with the idee of goin'

to Saratoga.

But Sister Minkley; sister in the church and sister-in-law by reason of Wbitefield, sez to me, that she should think I would think twice before I danced and waltzed round waltzes.

And I sez, "I haint thought of doin' it, I haint thought of dancin' round or square or any other shape."Sez she, "You have got to, if you go to Saratoga."Sez I, "Not while life remains in this frame."And old Miss Bobbet came up that minute -- it wuz in the store that we were a talkin' -- and sez she, "It seems to me, Josiah Allen's wife, that you are too old to wear low-necked dresses and short sleeves.""And I should think you'd take cold a goin' bareheaded," sez Miss Luman Spink who wuz with her.

Sez I, lookin' at 'em coldly, "Are you lunys or has softness begun on your brains?""Why," sez they, "you are talking about goin' to Saratoga, hain't you?""Yes," sez I.

"Well then you have got to wear 'em," says Miss Bobbet."They don't let anybody inside of the incorporation without they have got on a low-necked dress and short sleeves.""And bare-headed," sez Miss Spink; "if they have' got a thing on their heads they won't let 'em in."Sez I, "I don't believe it"

Sez Miss Bobbet, "It is so, for I hearn it, and hearn it straight.